


dear mr. min (fuck me, fuck you)

by maknaelinetrash



Category: K-pop, SEVENTEEN (Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Drunk Texting, E-mail, Fluff and Crack, Humor, M/M, Romantic Comedy, Texting, Tinder, aka woozi my tiny savage baby, awkward sexting, group chats, honestly the biggest mistake of my life, i have 3 unfinished fics what is this, lapslock, lots of fluff, lots of idol cameos, maknae line fuckery, not literally (ok maybe yes), park jimin is a good sex friend, receptionist!jihoon, seventeen & got7 work in yoongi's studio bc omo i love them so much
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-11-15 15:38:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11234010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maknaelinetrash/pseuds/maknaelinetrash
Summary: jimin regrets everything in life. including sending a lengthy, hormonal, angst-filled shit letter to his future boss aka Agust D aka 'mr. min' aka, "fuck you joonie hyung, why can't you have uglier business friends????" AU that literally nobody asked for.ora series of 'professional' e-mails and texts between park jimin and a certain mr. min (as well as their totally useless 'best friends').





	1. bitch, listen up

**Author's Note:**

> i don't regret anything.  
> AU where jimin is a struggling med student trying to find a make his dream work and yoongi is a hotshot producer who honestly doesn't give a shit.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jimin fucks up.

**to:** <agust d ride my d>  
**from:** <thicc ass>

 **subject:** bitch, listen up

**dear mr. min,**

this is a very brief if otherwise straightforward note to tell you that turning up late or - should I say - FUCK YOU, NOT TURNING UP AT ALL - is seriously SO deeply unprofessional and rude af no matter how incompetent you think the person you’re interviewing is. shit, I know I’m just a student okay? a broke ass college student who doesn’t know what tf he’s doing in life, struggling with this shita ss med school degree because _fuck my asian parents, seriously_.  
and I’m currently having NO DICK at this point of my supposedly thriving college school life  & I just broke up with my ex of 2 days and getting shit plastered with said ex in this crampy ass discount bar with no goddamn air conditioning regretting my life choices as I’m writing you this quaint and respectful email hoping you can take this beautiful ass of mine.

 

AND KISS IT GOODBYE.

BECAUSE SCREW YOU, MIN YOONGI.  
what authority(??!) do you have that lets you ditch a goddamn job interview i’ve been praying and wishing and shitting FOR FOR 2 NERVE WRACKING WEEKS OF MY LIFE do you know HOW MUCH ANXIETY I WAS GOING THROUGH AT THAT PERIOD.  
  
NO YOU FUCKIGN DON’T.  
and also no, FUCK YOU if you think I’m gonna be that pretty eye candy sitting in one corner waiting to suck your dick for a promotion CUZ I AIN’T THAT KINDA BOY HUNNY. I’m a manslut but I’m no goddamn whore I have standards okay *flips hair*.  
IDEC THAT YOU’RE A HOTSHOT NEW PRODUCER WHO’S BFFS WITH NAMJOON HYUNG.  
FUCK HIM, FUCK HIS PRETTY BOYFRIEND AND FINALLY FUCK YOU .  
GOODBYE.

  
**xxx PARK JIMIN, THICCEST ASS IN BUSAN, SOUTH KOREA**  
“you lost your chance to have this ass riding your dick now you gotta pay for it baby boy”  
\- kim seokjin savage extraordinaire

 

* * *

**maknae line fuckery ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) + hoseok  
**

**baby j**  
guys  
i fucked up

 **g dragon can spit on me and i’d be ok w it  
** see hyung  
dis is why u dont send angry drunk emails to your potential boss @3am in the morning

 **baby j  
** then maybe u shouldn’t have broken up w me at @3am in the morning

 **g dragon can spit on me and i’d be ok w it  
** I

 **taetaeTAETAETEA  
** ayo ladies and gentleman,  
introducing park jimin  
throwin shade further than my GPA

 **hoseokkie  
** *claps*

 **taetaeTAETAETEA**  
back to ur story tho chim  
how bad is it

 **taetaeTAETAETEA  
** like hobi hyung drunk sexting his ex bad or

 **hoseokkie  
** that was one. time.

 **taetaeTAETAETEA**  
or kookie trying to get u drunk  
so u wouldnt kill him too hard for dumping u  
bad

 **g dragon can spit on me and i'd be ok w it**  
omg will u ever let that go

 **taetaeTAETAETEA**  
hahax999  
no  
thats what u get for breaking my bby chims heart u lil shit  
<3

 **baby j**  
<3  
  
_**< file attached>:**_

 

 

> **to:** <agust d ride my d>  
>  **from:** <thicc ass>  
>  **subject:** bitch, listen up

im fucked thanks kookie :,)

 **hoseokkie**  
hOLY SHIT  
HOLY  
HOOOO BOYYYYYYYY  
U AIN'T EVER GETTIN DAT JOB OR DAT D

 **hoseokkie**  
bUT U'RE GETTIN SEOKJIN HYUNG'S SHADE OF APPROVAL  
i can FEEL IT

 **g dragon can spit on me and i'd be ok w it**  
hyung you're my hero  
✧✧✧✧✧✧

 **baby j**  
thanks but ur not forgiven ;,))))

 **g dragon can spit on me and i'd be ok w it  
** :c

 **baby j**  
c:

 **taetaeTAETAETEA**  
*rAGING APPLAUSE FROM HEAVEN &HELL, BITCHES*  
u went down but u WENT DOWN W HONOR THAT'S WHY WE'RE SLUTMATES CHIM

 **baby j**  
*bows*

 **hoseokkie**  
  
i"M SCREAMING

* * *

 **extras:**  
  
**family support group**

 **squishy mochi**  
mama i made u proud  
  
_**< file attached>:**_

 

 

> **to:** <agust d ride my d>  
>  **from:** <thicc ass>  
>  **subject:** bitch, listen up

(◕ᴗ◕✿)

 **✧✧✧prince of shade✧✧✧  
** tHAT'S MY BOY

 **joon.ie**  
HYUNG NO.


	2. you are in deep shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yoongi has so many questions and, "jihoon-ah, why is there a picture of someone's ass in my inbox?" is not one of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry there's no yoonmin interaction yet. but just read it im legit so proud of myself rn.

**to:** <woozi. just woozi>  
**from:** <agust d ride my d>  
****

**subject:** you are in deep shit

 **jihoon-ah,** ****  
can you please explain to me how someone i don't know managed to get my private email. :)

 _**< file attached>:** _ 

 

> **to:** <agust d ride my d>  
>  **from:** <thicc ass>  
>  **subject:** bitch, listen up

* * *

**to:** <agust d ride my d>  
**from:** <woozi. just woozi>

 **subject: re:** you are in deep shit

 **boss,**  
with all due respect, i am your receptionist.  
my job entails me to type useless shit until my fingers fall off, aegyo the shit out of potential clients and make them gay for me, ensure namjoon-hyung doesn't break your laptop again and buying you overpriced coffee every morning so you don't terrorise everyone in the studio.  
in conclusion, i would NOT know how somebody managed able to get your private email. this question would be better forwarded to one of the studio's engineers. i could ask them for you, if you'd like, sir. :)

 **P.S.**  you must admit, it was a very good burn. he'd be a great addition to the studio.  
**P.P.S.**  my desk is literally stationed outside your door, sir. just saying.

here's a obligatory picture of me doing work.

* * *

 **to:** <woozi. just woozi>  
**from:** <agust d ride my d>

 **subject: re: re:** you are in deep shit

**jihoon-ah,**

don't act like such a cocky little shit around me just because you sucked my dick once, brat.  
you're literally the only one aside from joon who knows my private email. i don't even know HOW you know.  
(i'm still questioning whether i got a hacker or a student as an intern. i got my eyes on you, brat)  
also fuck no christ don't ask your scary boyfriend to investigate he almost murdered me when he found out we had a one night stand in high school.

either way, just get me answers.

 **P.S.** no. he sounds like you. one of you is more than enough. you're already a pain in the ass as it is.

 **P.P.S.** i'm too tired and you're probably outside making out with that mingyu kid. so. ew.

* * *

 **to:** <agust d ride my d>  
**from:** <woozi. just woozi>

 **subject: re: re: re:** you are in deep shit

 **boss,  
** aren't you even the slightest bit interested why this jimin-ssi is so pissed you???  
he sounded reasonably angry in the email.  
to be fair you're probably the type to forget to attend an interview lol.

 **P.S.** i'm flattered. there should only be one of me.  
**P.P.S.** hi - mingyu

* * *

 **to:** <woozi. just woozi>  
**from:** <agust d ride my d>

 **subject: re: re: re: re:** you are in deep shit

 **jihoon-ah,  
** i'm not. but feel free to snoop if you want. with you around i have nothing to hide.

 **P.S.** get back to your department you little shit. i can hear u two kissing outside.

* * *

 **to:** <agust d ride my d>  
**from:** <woozi. just woozi>

 **subject: re: re: re: re: re:** you are in deep shit

 **boss,  
** nothing to hide or nothing else to hide lol.  
but yes sir. will do.

 **P.S.** why are we even sending emails lol there's something called texting  
**P.P.S.** mingyu-ah sends his love

* * *

 **to:** <woozi. just woozi>  
**from:** <agust d ride my d>

 **subject: re: re: re: re: re: re:** you are in deep shit

 **jihoon-ah,  
** sometimes i regret hiring you.

 **P.S.** namjoon spilled coffee over my phone again.  
**P.P.S.** i legitimately hope you choke on his balls tonight.

* * *

 **to:** <agust d ride my d>  
**from:** <woozi. just woozi>

 **subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: re:** you are in deep shit

 **boss,  
** what makes you think i'm the one getting choked tonight, sir? ;)

* * *

 **to:** <woozi. just woozi>  
**from:** <agust d ride my d>

 **subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re:** you are in deep shit

 **jihoon-ah,  
** leave me and my single ass alone, you little shit.

* * *

 **to:** <agust d ride my d>  
**from:** <woozi. just woozi>

 **subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re:** you are in deep shit

 **boss,**  
<3

* * *

**maknae line fuckery ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) + hoseok**

**baby j**  
????!!!!????  
wHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED LAST NIGHT  
omg  
OH MYGOD

_**taetaeTAETAETEA**  changed their username to_ **_welcome to bad life decisions_  
  
**

**welcome to bad life decisions**  
i expected a good morning  
but this is okay too

 **baby j**  
wHAT  
DID I DO??????

 **welcome to bad life decisions**  
good morning to u too jiminie ^^^  
would you like some salt to go with your eggs

 **hoseokkie  
** i think he needs some tea

 **welcome to bad life decisions**  
lmao no thats us  
this is some great tea to wake up to in the morning

 **baby j**  
wHAT DID I DO  
G U Y S  
this isn't the time to make jokes!!!!!  
im on the couch rn trying to get this hangover out omg  
i WANT ANSWERS

 **welcome to bad life decisions  
** aaaaaaand thats your cue, kook

 **g dragon can spit on me and i'd be ok w it  
** no what did i do this time

 **baby j  
** break my fragile mochi heart you insensitive cunt

 **g dragon can spit on me and i'd be ok w it  
** u forget about what happened last night and that's the FIRST thing u remember?????

 **baby j**  
i'll never forget jerks who break my heart, kookie  
(ू˃̣̣̣̣̣̣︿˂̣̣̣̣̣̣ ू)

 **g dragon can spit on me and i'd be ok w it  
** we dATED for 2 DAYS

 **baby j  
** they were a precious 2 days

 **g dragon can spit on me and i'd be ok w it**  
we smoked blunts and you rode me on yugyeom's bed  
he's never inviting us again

 **hoseokkie  
** neigh, neigh

 **g dragon can spit on me and i'd be ok w it**  
shut up hyung

 **g dragon can spit on me and i'd be ok w it**  
just scroll up  
you get the drift  
anyways

_**g dragon can spit on me and i'd be ok w it** changed their username to  **jiyong oppa's bitch**_

**jiyong oppa's bitch  
** DID YALL SEE MY OPPA DROP DAT MV THO

 **welcome to bad life decisions**  
here we go again  
i thought it was bad at home  
apparently not

 **jiyong oppa's bitch  
** bITCH I AM DYING

 **welcome to bad life decisions**  
please do

 **hoseokkie**  
how bad was it  
are u even in the house anymore lmao

 **welcome to bad life decisions**  
left after kookie replayed untitled for i think what  
the 999th time after it got released  
i mean its a great song but

 **jiyong oppa's bitch  
** i want oppa to fuck my ass with his godly dick

 **hoseokkie  
** yea ok

 **hoseokkie  
** i dont even want to know anymore

 **hoseokkie**  
btw how long do u think jimin's gonna take to find out that  
he basically shit roasted his future boss with a picture of his ass

 **baby j  
** h OLY SHIT

 **hoseokkie  
** never mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um i have a tumblr if you guys want to talk to me. it's @headcanon-baby.


	3. i'm so sorry!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> agust d doesn't give a shit, doesn't give a fuck.  
> (except he does when it comes to cute boys in B&W filters and adorable Tinder profile descriptions)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY FOR REPOSTING THIS AGAIN.  
> (there were too many huge edits to do and you know how cranky I get when it's big edits. like i might as well repost em again.)
> 
> also please write me long passionate comments. they make my day :3

**to:**  <agust d ride my d>  
**from:**  <parkjimin>

 **subject** **:**  i'm so sorry!!!

**dear mr. min,**

this is jimin (the one who sent you the disrespectful email).  
and i would like to formally apologize for the way I reacted earlier this morning. i was drunk and while i know that that's not a good excuse for drunk texting I would like to say I'm really sorry again and please don't think badly of me because of this. if it's possible, i'd like to make it up to you with some coffee?

(i promise i'm not trying to bribe my way into your good books. i swear.)

 **yours truly,  
** park jimin

* * *

"boss, you've got an important email."

"who is it? i'm busy."

"scrolling through tinder and super liking every gay guy you see isn't what i'd call 'busy' boss."

"get to it, brat."

"it's that guy again. he asked -"

"just reply with something to show that i actually care."

"you su -"

"just go," yoongi waves him off as he aggressively super likes a hot guy with a B&W filter and the  _cutest_ eyesmile he'd ever seen. what was his name...? 'park jimin'? and what was up with that cringey 'i was born in busan first' profile?

(still. how  _darling,_ yoongi thinks as his stare lingers a little longer at the way the man's tongue darts out of his teeth cheekily and honestly dies a bit inside because  _wow_.)

how fucking  _adorable_.

"who's it this time, boss?"

yoongi sighs deeply, which could mean two things: either namjoon broke something extremely, irreplaceably expensive (eg. yoongi's phone, yoongi's patience etc.) or - 

"yah, i want to nail him to my desk, jihoon-ah."

jihoon - predictably - cringes at the sentiment. he knows what it's like being 'nailed' to min yoongi's goddamn work desk - or the aftermath of it anyway. there's lube running down his ass cheeks, his hair stinks of spunk, and at the end of the day he's given a lingering reminder of the 'event' in the form of dark hickeys splattered across his neck and finger-shaped bruises on his hips.

he fucking **_loved_** it. but he's never going to tell his boss that. he already had enough stroking of his oversized ego.

(and his  _diiiiick_ lol.)

"that's nice boss."

"how come i've never met such a person in my entire life, jihoon-ah? it's a conspiracy, i tell you. so many gay fish in the world and i fall for the bisexual one."

lee jihoon is speechless when he glances at his boss's new phone from the side and silently, wordlessly wonders if his boss even bothers to look at his email recipients.

"boss - "

"shh. go back to work jihoon-ah. your boss is in love."

"..."

 _...if you even bothered to read your emails, you'd probably love him - and his ass - even more_ , jihoon thinks dryly as he works up a devious smile and waltzes back to his desk with a plan forming in his mind.

"have fun on tinder, boss."

"oh trust me, I will."

jihoon can't help his smile turning into a full on smirk as spins in his chair, cracks his knuckles and double-clicks on park jimin's latest message.

now, who said being a receptionist didn't have its perks?

 _time for some fun,_ jihoon awakens his inner taehyung and cackles evilly as he begins rapidly typing back a reply.

* * *

**to:**  <parkjimin>  
**from:**  <agust d ride my d>

 **subject** **:**   **re:** i'm so sorry!!!

**dear park jimin-sii,**

it's alright! i forgive you. everyone's entitled to a day of bad life decisions. i have them 24/7.  
in fact, why don't we reschedule your job interview to next week, so i can take you up on that coffee date?  
i've heard of a great cafe at garosu-gil if you're interested.  
(it's a cat cafe, actually. if it's too expensive for you i could pay for most of it. i'm not a stingy old grump like you think i am.)  
hope to hear a reply from you soon!

 **P.S.** you have a great ass. do you model?

 **yours,**  
mr. min

* * *

**  
** **family support group**

**squishy mochi**  
  
_**< file attached>:** _   

> **to:**  <parkjimin>  
>  **from:**  <agust d ride my d>  
>  **subject** **:** **re:** i'm so sorry!!!

omg hYUNG HYUNG

 **squishy mochi**  
i DON'T KNOW??? WHAT TO SAYY???  
like THANK GOD?? HE'S NOT ANGRYY??

 **squishy mochi**  
BUT DID HE REALLY JUST COMPLIMENT MY ASS???

 **wow, fantaestic baby  
** to be fair, you've gotta great ass

 **jungshook  
** i can attest to that

 ** **✧✧✧prince of shade✧✧✧****  
too much information my child

 **squichy mochi  
** well you dumped this great ass so sux to be you <:

 **jungshook**  
oh my god LET IT GO

 **i'm your hope J-HOOOOOOOOPEEEE**  
is anyone going to mention how jimin wrote 'sucks' as 'sux' like some emo teenager

 **joon.ie**  
how odd

 **joon.ie**  
yoongi doesn't normally reply back  
unless its on tinder and he's got a hmu  
and then he'll reply even faster than how long jungkook lasts in bed

 **jungshook**  
h HYUNG

 ** **✧✧✧prince of shade✧✧✧****  
BURN

 **i'm your hope J-HOOOOOOOOPEEEE**  
as quoted by tae  
""throwin shade further than my GPA""

 **wow, fantaestic baby**  
^^^

 **jungshook**  
#stopbullyingthemaknae2k17

 **squishy mochi**  
#how about no lol

 **squishy mochi**  
back to the point

 **squishy mochi**  
should i??? like??? reply??  
what if i get rejected???  
i don't think my body can handle another hookup with a questionably 'platonic' best friend again

 **wow, fantaestic baby**  
ooh, is it my turn yet?

 **wow, fantaestic baby**  
*still midkey offended that u picked the baby over me last time*

 **jungshook**  
oi

 **squishy mochi  
** i was thinking more of hoseok hyung actually

 **i'm your hope J-HOOOOOOOOPEEEE**  
AW YEA BOIIIIIIIIIII  


**squishy mochi**  
nevermind  
tae you can go next

 **wow, fantaestic baby**  
rEKT

 **i'm your hope J-HOOOOOOOOPEEEE**  
: <

 **squishy mochi**  
don't be sad hyung i'll give u a bj later okay?  
(´ ꒳ ` ✿)

 **i'm your hope J-HOOOOOOOOPEEEE**  
♥♥♥♥♥  
thanks minnie ily

 **✧✧✧prince of shade✧✧✧**  
sometimes i forget minnie isn't actually a pure cinammon roll irl ** **  
****

**squishy mochi**  
wanna fuck my thighs tonight, hyungie?  
(´ ꒳ ` ✿)

 **✧✧✧prince of shade✧✧✧**  
yes please

 **joon.ie**  
hey

 **squishy mochi**  
threesome?   
(´ ꒳ ` ✿)

 **joon.ie**  
that's better

 **jungshook**  
what's wrong with this fucking family

* * *

  
**extras:**

"you really need to stop hanging out with jackson-hyung, hyung."

"really, why's that mingyu-ah?"

"your evil smiles are starting to look like his."

"i'm OFFENDED," jackson shouts over from the 'engineers meeting' (which was code for poker with doritos as betting chips) with an exaggerated body wave.

jihoon wants to reply when bambam the cleaner slides out of the closet and dabs aggressively with jackson.

"lmao," joshua from the technical department says loudly as he passes by not giving a fuck.

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by the time i got accepted by a really promising graphic company and then they ended up never replying back when i sent my portfolio. kudos to you guys. i fucking wish death upon your futures. *salt salt*


End file.
